Calumny the Bunny

La La La, I can't hear you.

Shitty Watch Repair Shop Threatens Lawsuit Over Two-Star Yelp Review (Gawker)

This is yet another case of PR as Policy. Online retailers (or, in this case, physical retailers) have now had about 20 years to get used to this whole "internet" thing. And the one thing that might be a valuable lesson learned is that this internet thing is fairly unruly. Which makes sense since it's um, designed to be that way.

I've written often about how online marketing is some type of dystopian fantasy land where everything is great! I call it the PR Syndrome. Which sounds like it's gastrointestinal, but it's not.

To counter this never-ending and selective self-promotion, an assortment of sites such as Yelp!, TripAdvisor, and others have stepped up to give voice when things go not-so-perfectly. Of course, these sites are gamed by the very people who want to benefit from them. And when things go wrong? Businesses sue.

Live by the Sword, Die by the Sword

What I think is most disconcerting about this litigious trend is that it showcases the worst possible facet of eCommerce. And it's counter-intuitive. One of eCommerce's biggest challenges is the physical deficit; customers can not touch, feel, try-on or otherwise molest merchandise. The lack of a physical presence also negates any information that a customer can gain by looking at aspects of a retailer's location, neighborhood stature and word-of-mouth rep. So you would think that online retailers would warmly embrace any effort to bring those aspects to their online presence. For all the right reasons, Yelp! and it's kind would be celebrated. Not so.

Instead, there is an alarming trend in businesses suing bad reviewers. It's not the review itself they're after. It's the reviewer. In a classic legal cash-squeeze ploy, businesses wager that the mere potential for a libel case will force individuals to back down and force them do what they can't enforce: self-edit.

If a business wants to reap the benefits of free advertising online, they actually have to do something that's credible. The lack of accountability means that businesses can act very much like a chagrined child who doesn't like to lose. Let's be clear: if you suck, you're going to be called on it, especially when you're screaming your perfection to anyone with a modem.

The Bunny Part

Despite all of my nay-say-ery, I think there is a benefit to the current scene: it would take very little effort to rise above your competition.

Let's say you sell little, adorable, fluffy bunnies. By all means, play up how cute they are, what a wonderful companion they make and how well you care for them. Free-range bunnies fed organic carrots which benefit from your holistic and fully sustainable Bunny Philosophy. You may even hire some Cute Young Thing to tout your bunny-friendly business practices on Yelp!, Facebook and for some reason, Google+.

I didn't think of murderous, thug bunnies.
Or zombie bunnies, but those are
totally realistic scenarios.

And then a bunny dies. A horrible, public, incriminating death. Perhaps you overlooked the PCBs in the bunny's water bottle. Or maybe it was a moment of drunken negligence (we all have them). Maybe, the bunny was distraught and took its own life. Or the bunny had untreated diabetes. Maybe the bunny was just fucked up. Or the victim of bunny-on-bunny violence. I don't know. It doesn't matter, it's going to happen.

What happens next is what makes a great company. Step down from your self-aggrandizing soapbox and acknowledge reality. The Age of Spin died the moment George W. stood in front of that "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banner. Just own it. Demonstrate how you made it right. Instead of showcasing how Bunny Positive you are, publically apologize and highlight how you made the situation better. Post a picture in memoriam and then introduce The Much-Loved-Replacement Bunny. Make a donation to the Homeless Bunny Foundation.

Do anything but just don't sue the bunny for slander.

You are, kind business owner, not perfect. I also would like to think of myself as perfect. Alas, no go. I know this is the anti-PR pitch but I firmly believe -- and have seen -- that admitting failure is the first step towards a reasonable expectation of eCommerce and the best way to claim integrity, honesty and reputation -- all invaluable marketing tools that, it seems, few possess.