in which our selfless protagonist explores meaning, deception and redemption.
Let’s just take a look at this:
Are you a “forward facing professional [sic]?” Sometimes during the day, I look forward, as in facing forward. Other times, especially when anxious, I might be backward-looking or “recursively-optimized.”
Let’s just break this down:
E-commerce Merchant Seeks Product Manager (Vernon)
A Popular Furniture E-Commerce company’s Product Management department hosts and manages Partner Marketing websites on an in-house e-commerce platform.
So you’re a wholesale operation and probably drop n’ ship operation that has affiliates. I’m guessing it’s potentially toxic baby toys made with Polonium in China. ‘K.
What just came out of your mouth?
The Contract Product Manager for Product Management Department will work with a team of forward facing professionals focused on supporting and extending this line of business for our Partner Marketing team supporting 2-3+ co-branded and white label websites as well as the team that manages the marketing relationships.
I can not reiterate often enough that Every Department In This Company Is Important. The sheer force of the usage of the proper noun is enough to demonstrate our Commitment to Excellence. Also, your job duties will expand faster than a balloon in outer space. And also the “marketing relationships” team note means you WILL be answering emails and customer calls about our shitty product.
The Product Manager should be passionate about managing projects and delivering support for a demanding marketing business unit.
I do not think it is appropriate to discuss “my unit” at all. Further, I am passionate about very few things. Demanding boyfriends like this “marketing business unit” are just not on my emotional radar at the moment.
The Product Manager will leverage his or her knowledge of the e-commerce space to create a robust and innovative product that supports the website and network of back office systems.
So I’ll be helping Delores in accounting figure out why her Facebook posts aren’t showing up, too?
This person should be very well-organized and have prior experience working in a fast-paced ecommerce environment supporting team. Prior experience working with e-commerce and internet technologies is a must for the successful candidate.
Check. I once shopped on Amazon and I was like totally running late to go buy bud but I did it. My roommate was nice throughout it. Also, I’m pretty good at e-commerce. I signed up for Amazon Prime so I’m like totally into it. I get my shit real fast.
This person should also have strong project management and communication skills and work well in an environment of multiple competing priorities.
Once, my coffee was ready at exactly the same time as my toast and I solved that multiple priority complex pretty damn quickly. I wouldn’t say that the coffee and the toast were competing exactly, but, you get it. It was noted in my Quarterly Performance Review that I was able to salvage the toast and not spill coffee on myself which rated as “Occasionally Misses the Mark.” I’m OK with that. The tie was expensive.
Responsibilities
• Responsible for the product planning and execution throughout the product lifecycle, including: gathering and prioritizing product and customer requirements, defining the product vision, overseeing implementation and testing and working closely with cross-functional departments including IT, marketing, sales and support, and customer service to ensure business goals are met.
As I understand it, a “lifecycle” means that things die. So are you asking me to make sure that your company dies? Cause I’m OK with death, but that makes me feel creepy.
• Must be able to navigate complex projects and translate high-level product concepts into detailed deliverables such as process flows, wireframes, and other documents that cover both functional and technical needs, giving in depth explanations of the desired outcome.
I often have “desired outcomes” but sometimes they don’t come true and then I get sad and depressed. Do you have a nap room or a quiet room somewhere because when I don’t meet others’ expectations of me I tend to drink and nap. And smoke. Is smoking allowed?
• Build and manage project plan maintaining constant awareness of project status, identifying conflicts and proactively communicating them to the appropriate individuals within the Partner Marketing team. Track and report status of site features in development to management.
OK, besides the horrific grammar, which I’m willing to overlook since this damn interview has lasted for 12 hours and we’re all getting tired, but, as I understand this, you’re asking me to build something while being high on meth? And then call in how I’m feeling? To my boss?
• Prepare reports and presentations as required by management.
No problem. I accept PayPal or you can leave the money on the dresser.
• Manage priorities effectively and work with only minimal supervision and direction.
I can do this. Right? So, what’s next? Wait, phone call, be right back. FUCK, my coffee. K, I’ll text ya.
• Develop positive and effective relationships with internal functional groups.
Oh yeah motherfucker. It’s on.
• Effectively manage time and prioritize projects in order to meet established deadlines.
I have a watch. I haven’t figured out the alarm on my smartphone yet though.
Job Pluses
• Knowledge of Magento
+40 per hour
• Knowledge of Adobe CS
+60 per hour + good pharmaceutical weed.
• Knowledge of Programming concepts
You’re Scientologists?
Job Requirements
• Bachelors/Technical degree or equivalent experience.
I watch the Discovery Channel
• 3+ years experience ONLY.
I’m 46
• Managing projects in a fast-paced environment.
I went to a NASCAR event once it it scared me but I made it all the way through like a big boy.
• Sense of responsibility/ownership over product quality.
O, I OWN this motherfuckers.
• Strong written, verbal, analytic [sic], and interpersonal skills are essential.
See above
• Technical aptitude and enthusiasm in various system technologies and disciplines.
I hardly know you but yes, I’m into experimental sex and role playing. Discipline? SIR YES SIR! What type of boots are you wearing, SIR?
• Sound knowledge in UI design theory and practice with a focus on simple, easy-to-use designs.
My urethra is fine.
• Expert problem solving, analytic, and decision making skills.
Last week this TOTAL BITCH gave me ‘tude on the bus and I was like “O, hell no, I do NOT have time for this” and then I just gave her a backhand and caught her weave in my earring and then I got off the bus cause I was late to meet my man.
Location: Vernon
Compensation: DOE
Let’s just take a look at this:
Are you a “forward facing professional [sic]?” Sometimes during the day, I look forward, as in facing forward. Other times, especially when anxious, I might be backward-looking or “recursively-optimized.”
Let’s just break this down:
E-commerce Merchant Seeks Product Manager (Vernon)
A Popular Furniture E-Commerce company’s Product Management department hosts and manages Partner Marketing websites on an in-house e-commerce platform.
So you’re a wholesale operation and probably drop n’ ship operation that has affiliates. I’m guessing it’s potentially toxic baby toys made with Polonium in China. ‘K.
What just came out of your mouth?
The Contract Product Manager for Product Management Department will work with a team of forward facing professionals focused on supporting and extending this line of business for our Partner Marketing team supporting 2-3+ co-branded and white label websites as well as the team that manages the marketing relationships.
I can not reiterate often enough that Every Department In This Company Is Important. The sheer force of the usage of the proper noun is enough to demonstrate our Commitment to Excellence. Also, your job duties will expand faster than a balloon in outer space. And also the “marketing relationships” team note means you WILL be answering emails and customer calls about our shitty product.
The Product Manager should be passionate about managing projects and delivering support for a demanding marketing business unit.
I do not think it is appropriate to discuss “my unit” at all. Further, I am passionate about very few things. Demanding boyfriends like this “marketing business unit” are just not on my emotional radar at the moment.
The Product Manager will leverage his or her knowledge of the e-commerce space to create a robust and innovative product that supports the website and network of back office systems.
So I’ll be helping Delores in accounting figure out why her Facebook posts aren’t showing up, too?
This person should be very well-organized and have prior experience working in a fast-paced ecommerce environment supporting team. Prior experience working with e-commerce and internet technologies is a must for the successful candidate.
Check. I once shopped on Amazon and I was like totally running late to go buy bud but I did it. My roommate was nice throughout it. Also, I’m pretty good at e-commerce. I signed up for Amazon Prime so I’m like totally into it. I get my shit real fast.
This person should also have strong project management and communication skills and work well in an environment of multiple competing priorities.
Once, my coffee was ready at exactly the same time as my toast and I solved that multiple priority complex pretty damn quickly. I wouldn’t say that the coffee and the toast were competing exactly, but, you get it. It was noted in my Quarterly Performance Review that I was able to salvage the toast and not spill coffee on myself which rated as “Occasionally Misses the Mark.” I’m OK with that. The tie was expensive.
Responsibilities
• Responsible for the product planning and execution throughout the product lifecycle, including: gathering and prioritizing product and customer requirements, defining the product vision, overseeing implementation and testing and working closely with cross-functional departments including IT, marketing, sales and support, and customer service to ensure business goals are met.
As I understand it, a “lifecycle” means that things die. So are you asking me to make sure that your company dies? Cause I’m OK with death, but that makes me feel creepy.
• Must be able to navigate complex projects and translate high-level product concepts into detailed deliverables such as process flows, wireframes, and other documents that cover both functional and technical needs, giving in depth explanations of the desired outcome.
I often have “desired outcomes” but sometimes they don’t come true and then I get sad and depressed. Do you have a nap room or a quiet room somewhere because when I don’t meet others’ expectations of me I tend to drink and nap. And smoke. Is smoking allowed?
• Build and manage project plan maintaining constant awareness of project status, identifying conflicts and proactively communicating them to the appropriate individuals within the Partner Marketing team. Track and report status of site features in development to management.
OK, besides the horrific grammar, which I’m willing to overlook since this damn interview has lasted for 12 hours and we’re all getting tired, but, as I understand this, you’re asking me to build something while being high on meth? And then call in how I’m feeling? To my boss?
• Prepare reports and presentations as required by management.
No problem. I accept PayPal or you can leave the money on the dresser.
• Manage priorities effectively and work with only minimal supervision and direction.
I can do this. Right? So, what’s next? Wait, phone call, be right back. FUCK, my coffee. K, I’ll text ya.
• Develop positive and effective relationships with internal functional groups.
Oh yeah motherfucker. It’s on.
• Effectively manage time and prioritize projects in order to meet established deadlines.
I have a watch. I haven’t figured out the alarm on my smartphone yet though.
Job Pluses
• Knowledge of Magento
+40 per hour
• Knowledge of Adobe CS
+60 per hour + good pharmaceutical weed.
• Knowledge of Programming concepts
You’re Scientologists?
Job Requirements
• Bachelors/Technical degree or equivalent experience.
I watch the Discovery Channel
• 3+ years experience ONLY.
I’m 46
• Managing projects in a fast-paced environment.
I went to a NASCAR event once it it scared me but I made it all the way through like a big boy.
• Sense of responsibility/ownership over product quality.
O, I OWN this motherfuckers.
• Strong written, verbal, analytic [sic], and interpersonal skills are essential.
See above
• Technical aptitude and enthusiasm in various system technologies and disciplines.
I hardly know you but yes, I’m into experimental sex and role playing. Discipline? SIR YES SIR! What type of boots are you wearing, SIR?
• Sound knowledge in UI design theory and practice with a focus on simple, easy-to-use designs.
My urethra is fine.
• Expert problem solving, analytic, and decision making skills.
Last week this TOTAL BITCH gave me ‘tude on the bus and I was like “O, hell no, I do NOT have time for this” and then I just gave her a backhand and caught her weave in my earring and then I got off the bus cause I was late to meet my man.
Location: Vernon
Compensation: DOE
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